I didn’t see all of George’s Budget Speech. So while the pundits are busy analysing what the budget means to everyone and their Granny, bless her, I’ll stick to looking at Osborne the Automaton. I’ve a written a few notes for when I get to feedback to him. Here they are.
“George you use your right hand like a little hammer. One of those tiny little pin hammers. You’re not hitting very hard with it, so it looks a bit silly. You also try a few shuffles, swinging from side to side. You might think this excites your audience, because, let’s face it, you are a dull. George, it doesn’t work. You are not going to excite any audience, or individual for that matter. Re-think the shuffle George”.
“As an orator you just don’t make it George. You seem to think that raising your voice a bit is the same as injecting feeling and passion into your voice. It’s not George. That’s just shouting. Sorry George, for that reason your voice gets a dull. You could try adding subtitles, that might make it more exciting, but your best bet is to use a voice over. I know you wont like this George, but Ed Balls might do the job if you put a few quid his way. Don’t worry this is not corruption, just make sure declare it somewhere”
“I can see you like a simile, and, you try to come up with something new and original. But George dear chap, don’t. You are not very good. Also steer clear of the contrived joke. This is where you fail real bad. George I have to be blunt, you are not funny, in fact you are bloody awful. Oh, and cut the triumphalism, that just annoys the masses. And we want their votes George, we want their votes.”
“I suspect the fault might be with your speech writer, so possible improvement could be achieved by sacking that individual. Sorry about that speech writer person. I know when you wrote George’s speech, it probably looked good on paper, and you can’t be held responsible for the automaton delivering it, but someone has to take responsibility. George is not going resign is he? If George was the resigning type he would have gone a couple of years ago. So George, sack the speech writer, and make it bloody fast.”
“Now we come to the real killer. George, when you make a speech you must have something interesting to say. You have to have a good message. If you don’t have anything interesting , offer cake or biscuits. Got it George”.
“Frankly George, your message is shit. And repetition is not going to change that fact. You have been saying the same thing for the last five years George. No one listens, or believes you anymore George. Everyone knows you’ve fucked up. So you have to change George. And if you can’t change then fuck off to the job-centre. Good luck with that George.”
“Oh, and if it’s a new job you’re looking for George, then get yourself a decent haircut for the interview. That mess on top of your head is not doing you any favours”.
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